


a glimmer of hope like an exhale of smoke in the sky

by modernpatroclus



Category: All For the Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-02
Updated: 2016-08-02
Packaged: 2018-07-28 22:00:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7658338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/modernpatroclus/pseuds/modernpatroclus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompts: Andreil talk about Neil's mother's abuse + Holy shit but andreil at a pride event</p>
            </blockquote>





	a glimmer of hope like an exhale of smoke in the sky

**Author's Note:**

> title from swimming pools by troye sivan ~~i'm getting lazier with these~~

The only reason Andrew was being even halfway complacent was because it was Nicky’s birthday.

Andrew never put much stock into birthdays, but it was the last one Nicky would have before he went back to Germany. And though Andrew would never admit to missing or even caring about his cousin, Andrew agreed to this one thing.

Nicky’s only request for his last birthday with his family was that they all attend the next local pride parade.

It was small, just a few miles down from campus. Andrew figured it would mostly be young people, people from PSU, being South Carolina and all. Even though he’d rather spend his Saturday sparring with Renee, then smoking on the roof and listening to Neil talk about whatever came to mind, Andrew said he would go. So it was exaggerated irritation that Andrew rounded up Neil and Kevin, letting Nicky deal with Aaron, so they could leave.

Andrew found Neil in Matt’s room. When Matt opened the door to let him in, he walked right past Matt without waiting to be let in. Neil was on the floor in front of the couch with a textbook and papers scattered around him. Neil had told Andrew he’d been helping Matt with a math class lately.

“I figured out what you were doing wrong on this one,” Neil called to Matt, not looking up from the paper he was holding. “You were supposed to–” When he saw Andrew, he grinned. “Hey. I thought you had an aversion to homework on Saturdays.”

“Every day,” Andrew corrected. “Come on. We have to meet Nicky.”

“Meet Nicky where?”

Andrew let out an exaggerated sigh. “The pride parade he’s been going on about. I told him we would go.”

Neil looked even more confused. “The what?”

Matt jumped in. “The one down off Perimeter Road?” Andrew didn’t respond, but Matt took his blank stare for encouragement. He turned to Neil. “It’s basically a festival celebrating LGBT pride.”

Neil still looked confused. Andrew sighed. “Gay pride, dumbass.”

Neil tilted his head to the side as recognition dawned on his face. “Oh.”

“Yeah. Now come on,” Andrew said, grabbing Neil by the wrist and pulling him to the door.

Neil stopped him before they made it to the door. “Hey, wait.” Andrew scowled but didn’t say anything, waiting. Neil turned back to Matt. “Are you coming?”

Matt looked surprised, but he smiled. “Sure. Allison would probably kill me if I didn’t. I wouldn’t put it past her to not let me into her and Renee’s wedding if I did,” he joked.

Andrew rolled his eyes and dragged Neil out of the room, not waiting for Matt to follow.

* * *

While Nicky and Matt were watching the festivities with wide-eyed amazement and actually participating in them, Andrew, Neil, Aaron, and Kevin were off to the side in the least-crowded spot they could find. Andrew was watching Nicky to make sure the idiot didn’t get into trouble, but he was more focused on the feeling of Neil’s fingers running through his hair and the view of Neil’s profile from where his head rested in Neil’s lap.

Aaron and Kevin were off to the side, talking to each other and mostly ignoring Andrew and Neil. Andrew hadn’t said anything for a while, and Neil followed his lead. He was watching his friends with a quiet smile, content to observe the strange things he’d never thought people did – and wore – in public before. Neil was used to blending in, after all; he’d never even fathomed that people would actually choose to act so over-the-top before meeting the Foxes.

“When did you decide that you didn’t swing?”

Neil’s fingers froze. Andrew’s question caught him off guard. He asked it casually, as if he didn’t care about the answer. But Neil knew him well enough to know that Andrew wouldn’t have asked if he didn’t care. He also knew that Andrew wouldn’t make Neil answer. It was something he had danced around since joining the Foxes, and though Neil wasn’t quite ready to share it with the rest of the team just yet, he realized he was ready to tell Andrew.

“Any time my mom caught me kissing or even looking at a girl too long, she’d beat me.” Neil didn’t look at Andrew when he said it, but he felt Andrew stiffen in his lap. “She said girls were a distraction that would only get me killed. I stopped even looking by the time I was 16. I was 14 the last time I kissed someone until you.”

“She’s lucky she’s already dead, or I’d kill her myself.”

Neil knew before he even said a word that it wouldn’t go over smoothly. He was expecting Andrew’s reaction to his mother’s violent methods. He wasn’t expecting the wave of grief for his mother after nearly three years without her.

Neil swallowed. “She was all I had. She wasn’t the best mother by a long shot, but everything she did was to keep me alive.” As Neil said it, he realized how little time he’d taken to truly process what had really sent them on the run. He had thought that it was out of fear for her own life, too, but his mother hadn’t been in any more danger than normal when she took him. The grief in his stomach turned to guilt.

“A lot of people in her position would’ve just let me try out for the Moriyamas and just had another kid if I’d failed. But she dedicated her life to saving mine.” Neil fiddled with his cigarette as he spoke. He could feel Andrew’s heavy gaze on him, but Neil couldn’t meet his eyes. Because despite every reason Andrew rightly had to hate Neil’s mother – for the beatings, for stripping him of all but the barest pieces of himself, for forcing him into his default “I’m fine” state of mind – Neil couldn’t hate her. Despite the mental hell his mother had conditioned him with, and the harsh beatings she’d inflicted on him, Neil couldn’t help but miss her with a ferocity he didn’t know he was capable of before the Foxes.

“How touching. She still put her hands on you.”

Neil sighed. “I know. I don’t expect you to understand.”

“Good, because I fucking don’t.” Andrew pulled a cigarette from his pocket. Neil could feel his agitation in the way Andrew moved, flicking the lighter with short, jerky movements. He knew Andrew could feel Neil’s muscles tensed to run.

“She wasn’t the best, but everything she did was for me. And she made me promise,” Neil choked out, horror creeping in with his growing panic. He tried to tamp it down, knowing Kevin and Aaron were only a few feet away and possibly listening. But it was too much: all the people, everything so conspicuous, all of it going directly against what he’d been trained to avoid for so long. It was building too quickly for Neil to stop it.

“She made me promise to keep running, no matter what. She made me promise her as she was dying, because she was only running in the first place to keep me safe. And I only kept that promise for a year. I didn’t even stay away from Exy like she’d said.” Neil’s words cut off after that, panic overtaking any rational thoughts.

Neil didn’t notice when Andrew sat up, but the hand yanking on his hair was just enough, not to hurt, but to pull Neil out of his head.

“Neil, breathe. She can’t hurt you anymore.”

“I promised,” Neil gasped in a hoarse whisper. It was all he could do to keep his voice down, a pathetic attempt at keeping people’s attention off of him.

“ _Neil._ ”

The hand moved to his throat, squeezing just enough to remind Neil to breathe. Andrew’s cheek was pressed to his, and he was breathing slowly, deliberately. Neil matched his breaths with Andrew’s until the black spots in his vision faded.

“You’re not running anymore. Stop looking back.”

If Neil was in a clearer mindset, he’d remind Andrew that Andrew was the one who brought up Neil’s past. But when Andrew said, “I’m glad she’s dead,” Neil realized that he needed this. He needed to talk about the things he’d still been running from by repressing memories of his mother. He’d told everyone about her death, about burying her bones in California, but he’d managed to evade their relationship – how intense it had really been, with her refusing to leave his side or let him ever slow down enough to take stock of his injuries, both physical and mental. It was something he’d needed to acknowledge, whether he knew it or not.

“Me too,” Neil finally admitted. As he said it, some of the guilt in his chest eased. He took a deep breath, then forced himself to look up from Andrew’s chest. Andrew was watching him carefully, waiting for Neil to either break down again or claim that he was fine.

Neil did neither. He took another, final deep breath, then looked around at the festival still going on. He didn’t force a smile, but the tension in his muscles was gone. He was no longer poised to run. Andrew finally relaxed, dropping his head back into Neil’s lap and dragging Neil’s hand back into his own hair.

Neil huffed a laugh and went back to watching his family, a genuine smile creeping back onto his face. Neil didn’t even notice, but Andrew did.

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr post](http://runawayneil.tumblr.com/post/148352751297/andreil-talk-about-neils-mothers-abuse)


End file.
